How do you feel about surgery? As it stands this piece strikes me as two separate ones: The first all background and summary, the second is an actual scene. I'm proposing a way to integrate them.
First off, we're looking at a man (Andrew) who wants to find love. He's somewhat nurturing -- the plants -- but rather hands-off because he relies on technology to search for another person. He has enormous authority around the "Post" material, yet his coldness still comes through because he never ponders the dead as people who were beloved and who lived lives. Here your horse of "coldness" emerges. I'd like to see you hit that horse/theme as many ways as possible. He likes his food cold: gazpacho, chilled wine, etc..
Now the surgery... How about opening with the date (Jamie) asking, "What was your favorite 'post'?" She cringes and rephrases (so we get a beat of her appearance and physicality) restating her question, "Maybe your most interesting..."
At that our guy launches into a jargon-heavy account of dissecting an older man... This account is intercut with his personal history, his career path, his family. And gradually the reader realizes (you must not make this connection overt, let the reader grasp it) that the autopsy is him alone cutting up his own dead father. Examining the brain, the heart, the lungs. The genitals.
Perhaps with subtle physical tells, the date also realizes the man is describing butchering his own father in search of... something. Love? A soul? Humanity?
This intercutting would allow you to unpack the man's search for love, and it would integrate the two dissimilar halves of the story. Again, this is just a suggestion to break the ice. You could still use the current ending; in fact, you could use most of what you already have on the page.
So far your "horses" would be 'cold' and 'the search for love.' In sorting through his father's innards, he'd also be recognizing aspects of himself, including the facial features. All these elements are already present in the story -- good job! -- so all you'd need do is rearrange a bit.
This is killer feedback and a great way to bring Andrew to a more well-rounded place as a character. Using the autopsy to frame Andrew’s cold search for love and, in his case, the futility of finding it, is electric. It also gives me ideas for a solid direction for Jamie to head as well, since she’s the one who ties back in later. She, too, is cold, until she meets Andrew.
Looking at Andrew in this way — complicating and completing him — is exactly the lens I needed for a few other characters and storylines. This surgery is what I was trying to accomplish, but not as thoroughly as you’ve discussed. Stoked!
BTW — I used to be the Andrew - well, in his morgue position - decades ago.
After the morgue gig I went the writing direction. Worked in advertising for 20+ years. Now I’m chief of wastewater operations for two plants. Crooked path. I wrote a story about a guy at a WW plant who finds hundred dollar bills flushed every day for three weeks. Goes to jail for passing counterfeit notes.
Great story! I'm going to try to drop in later with more thoughts, but one thing stuck out to me immediately -- the part where Jamie says, "I have to pee. Get me a beer" then goes off to the bathroom. There is absolutely no way a savvy character like her is going to leave a man she's never met alone with her drink.
Ok, one more thing. "Dark passenger" is very specific to Dexter. Is there another phrase she can use that's unique to her? (For what it's worth, I did get that she's a killer, and I would love to see more about how she would navigate actually having feelings for a man she had intended to murder. There's so much potential in that!)
GREAT points! Dexter hadn’t dawned on me (I know recovering addicts who’ve used it as well) — and I should’ve flagged the bathroom/drink combo (pun not intended, but it just appeared). Their interaction is getting some edit-attention, so this is perfect feedback. Looking forward to more later.
"Likewise, there are parallels with Jamie that need to be revealed. She had a single mother who loved her and was there for her, but she ended up almost completely incapable of emotion that would allow her to feel loved — until Andrew."
Even backstory must be full of action and just as compelling as story in the present. For example, in 'Fight Club' I chose to tell the liposuction fat story in retrospection. The context for telling it was two characters trying to fall asleep in empty cars on a used-car lot. As they drift toward sleep, one character recounts a clumsy scene full of slippery fat and gagging rage. I've found that the best times for a flashback are either while a character is driving, or while trying to fall asleep.
Both those dull, introspective situations are good for flashback/back-story, but even that back-story should be dramatized and active -- not summarized or reduced to general statements.
If you can't get a great scene out of back-story, consider skipping it and simply have the character act out of that past experience.
Does Jamie being a killer come across with the descriptions of the men and her realization that she can’t kill Andrew? It hasn’t come up, so I’m trying to determine if it hit.
I held off on adding detail about how she killed them to keep that realization a surprise. Maybe that’s part of the action with her backstory.
Consider having Jamie really drill down on specific questions that only a killer would know... especially about a recent victim that Andrew knows of. That would create a third "invisible" character at he table: the recently murdered man.
Such a discussion could even suggest that Jamie is fishing for compliments about her skill as a murderer.
She's a sexy, skilled killer with a talent that never gets praised. Wouldn't it be funny/sexy to have Andrew gush:
"Whoever cut his (obscure vein/nerve) knew what they were doing. A real artist. Brilliant..." Have him really gush admiration as Jamie openly preens.
Smart readers would recognize that she's basking in such praise. And really really smart readers will wonder if she Tinder-fished him due to his job because he would somehow appreciate her artistry.
"Yeah, whoever killed this guy must be a genius at anatomy..." Jamie is almost orgasmic hearing this recounting. For her it would be like getting an excellent job performance review.
These House Call comments are high gear learning. Unbelievable fast tracks for good craft. You rock y'all. Thanks Chuck for creating and tending such a quality space.
I’m in full agreement. The folks that have weighed in and the initial work with Chuck are priceless. I’ve learned more about the craft of fiction and have more solid ideas for my stories than I thought possible.
I feel like I just read a few stories and that is a good thing. You take us to different locations both mentally and physically. I liked the transition to eight years later. The opening line of the transition hit. I felt awkwardness for the guy, but I don’t think the character would share in my opinion. He was confident and probably funnier in person than in the story. I loved this piece. Excellent story and execution.
Hey there, Matt, first, as always with these things, thank you for being open to all of us reading and dissecting your story. It’s never easy seeing where we could have done better in something we worked so hard on. But it is the way to grow and great stories, which I believe you have!
As for my feedback, take what works for you, and leave the rest on the cutting room floor. These are only my thoughts and opinions based on my likes and preferences.
Let the games begin!
1—The good ol’ start later in your story:
Where I felt the story started: “Andrew had worked in the same hospital in Buffalo since he left his job as a Verizon sales associate at the local mall just out of college.”
Consider starting here, then coming back to some of the romance/online dating bits.
2—Show and tell:
We start with predominantly exposition. Is there a way we can get grounded in the source of the action? Can you plop us down in one of these moments, like when the narrator alludes to Andrew’s father’s anger and drinking? Can you keep the conversational aspect of the voice while hopping in and out of past or present moments to SHOW us these things, these emotional tolls Andrew is feeling? As a reader, I wanted to be in those moments a little more, rather than just be told they were bad or scary.
3—Sign markers/horses/throughline:
As it stands right now, I feel adrift through much of the story. Each part was interesting to a degree, but I felt no connection from one VERY different section to the next. There was nothing that pointed me through the story. Yes, by the end, we get a payoff, but I felt it wasn’t as strong as it could have been if you had planted more visceral crumbs for us along the way.
Could you find a “horses” as Chuck P./Tom S. Call it? Is there a common thread you can use as a heartbeat to keep us feeling that these mini, encapsulated moments are connected before we get to the end?
You want something that points the reader, says, “I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but trust me, I know what I’m doing, and it pays off!”
4—Space and time:
When it comes to big-time jumps, days, months, years, I find it’s best to give the reader a bit of visual space on the page. Allow us to feel that time somewhat visually. You can even use a marker. You do this at the very end to signify the end part, but I believe it would work best throughout the piece.
5—The heart of the story:
Where I saw the connective tissue, the heart of the story was in the bit about Andrew telling a date about the tumor.
I think the center of the story comes around being afraid, maybe? Andrew, afraid of his father, afraid for his mother, afraid of romantic situations, afraid of being seen (of course, being afraid of being found out he's a killer), maybe we could pinpoint that the bodies and what most people find to be a horrific job is not frightening to him. That maybe it’s one of the only places/times in his life where everything feels clear, uncomplicated. Controllable.
I think this or something like it could be your horses. How can you find a tagline, a transitional device to point to Andrew’s control?
Also, I would propose making the story into maybe three smaller scenes. Maybe one at the dinner date. One autopsying the bodies, and again with his parents. Or a dating scene, a family scene, and the final dating scene/finale reveal.
I find that for me, if I can limit my short stories to as few scene/place changes as possible, it makes for a stronger story. So, maybe instead of scrolling on a dating app in the opening scene, could we see Andrew in the same bar as in the end for a speed dating night? Could you ground a scene with the family before Andrew’s father dies in the middle section of the bar as well? This would be a great place to SHOW the fathers drinking, rather than just alluding to it through exposition. This also makes the bar its own recurring character in the story and grounds us more in place, along with giving you a horses again if you choose to have some type of signifier for the bar transitions.
6—Where to start/playing with time:
Often, for me, where I think I want to start something is not where I SHOULD start. Personally, for me, I thought much of the parents’ stuff worked better after the father was dead and the mother was happy and in Key West.
Remember, we can go in any direction with time in a story! Often, people’s minds process time less linearly than we live it. So how could you chop and screw with time and present events that you’ve written not in how they happen linearly, but in how they conjoin, butt up to one another, showing the similarities or random connections in Andrew’s life.
7—A Mary Sue:
Often, when we are writing about someone or something that is loosely based on our lived experience/ourselves, we can have the tendency to pull our punches or, rather, not go far enough.
If I had to guess, that is the case with this story. I often felt, while reading it, that you never pushed Andrew into uncomfortable territory, even though it often felt to me that that was where the story wanted to go. And the same goes for the musings about the family. We are left feeling like the narrator, who is outside of Andrew's head and has no connection to him or the family, is still somehow tied to his guilt around not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, in our real world, and so I felt as though you played your cards a bit too close to your chest often in this story. Especially in the first half.
How could you instead divest yourself from Andrew and his family a bit more—maybe fictionalize it a bit further—and go deeper. Dive into the uncomfortable, make Andrew an unlikable protagonist, maybe, or his father, or hell, maybe even his mother, a total monster? I think this would elevate much of the story and the stakes.
8—Duality:
So, the change-up of the multiple POV in the second half of the story threw me. I wasn’t sure whose head I was in from moment to moment at times. I got lost. Some of that is good because it shows me, “Oh, both these people are the same, killers,” but most of the time, I was lost and wished Jamie had been introduced along the way, or that we had followed her story simultaneously with Andrews. Could you either bring in Jamie’s POV at the beginning and make it a mirrored story, with breaks almost paragraph-to-paragraph, each of their lives mirroring the other in different ways? Or could you have the whole story rooted from Andrew’s perspective? You can still do the third-person perspective, but just keep it tied to Andrew’s perspective–how he feels and sees Jamie. How HE figures out her motives.
9—Recent popular culture:
Ok, last bit, and I swear I’m done. This part is never easy to say, but I think the ending, most of the last part of the story, is maybe a little too close to an episode of DEXTER. Especially considering you used the whole “Dark Passenger” line. I think if you take that line out, it helps take it out of that realm. Easy fix. Just remember, we all glean ideas from a multitude of sources, but the key is to make sure we do our own thing with them. That line is so tied to that book series and a VERY popular TV series. I would for sure take that out.
I appreciate the thoughtful feedback, Levi! I’m in the same camp on most everything you’ve outlined after digesting the tsunami from all the good folks who weighed in. I’m stoked to perform some “surgery,” as Chuck put it, and readjust how everything plays out and moves in time. Same with showing more of each event. The dark passenger was a total unintended lapse with regard to Dexter. That’s definitely going away.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate you!
Sounds good, Matt! Sorry for any overlap. I find it best for me not to read what others have said while writing my feedback. So yeah, I imagine there’s a little overlap.
You’ve got all the meat and potatoes sitting in front of you—and it looks great—but I want a big fancy dinner now. Wow us! You are indeed capable of it.
Also, I suggested this book series to Tony before( the last house call). But if you haven’t read Richard Stark (Donald Westlake’s) Parker series (start with The Hunter), I highly recommend it! He does an excellent job with a close third-person POV. Everything is off the back of Parker. Stark really shows us how to do that close third with the expertise of a brain surgeon!
I dig recommendations like this. I just plowed through a pile that included Knockemstiff, Great Kitchens of the Midwest, Horse Show, Airships, and Rock Creek.
Love the twist to finish the chapter and this set up.
Two thoughts - I don't think I saw these in the others: Head hopping. I get why you did it in this scene. Is it something you'll be working for the rest of the book? Does it matter? It sets up a banter between the characters that looks like it'll disappear for at least a while. Will we miss it?
The second is why go easy on the dad? Why go out of the way making it clear he wasn't physical. Does it come into play later? He is dead. And he still tortured them. No need to protect him from where I sit.
I hope you get lots of useful stuff out of Chuck's eye falling upon you!
Both great questions and insights. I actually move away from the head hopping in stories/chapters after this one. I think it was a matter of the stories tightening up the more of them I wrote. I’m going to look at revising this one to a single POV. And yes, take a more unflinching look at the dad 🤘🏻
Ok, he works in Buffalo, which automatically gets a +1 from me. But that’s secondary.
This is an intriguing start. The biggest win is how you drop breadcrumbs about who Jamie is, but the reader doesn’t understand them until the “Fuck, I can’t kill him” line. At that moment, the prior clues come into focus - why she needed a place “off the beaten path,” her comment about head/heart/lungs (“taking out any of those is ultimately what does it”), the probing questions “to see if Andrew felt the same things she did.” The story shifts in that moment to something very different.
Job well done using physical actions to show how Jamie lures Andrew in - close talking, hip pressing against him, the wink, the smiles, placing her hands on his knees. It’s disarming, especially when combined with the dialogue. I have a crush on her too.
Suggestion-wise, I’d love to see more grisly details - the guy does autopsies, after all. Perhaps he’s recounting this first meeting with Jamie while elbow-deep in a gunshot victim. Telling the story directly to the pile of viscera on the table in front of him as he removes ropes of shattered intestines and useless kidneys. The first act is heavy on telling rather than showing, so you could balance that by diving into the most literal type of “on the body” description possible. Show us what he does.
You could go a hundred different directions with all the feedback, but the story is such a good concept you pretty much can’t go wrong. I just saw Chuck’s idea to have Andrew conducting an autopsy on what is later revealed to be his father, and that’s (of course) brilliant. Excited to see how this all shakes out for you.
Ok, taking a step into traffic (which wont be my first lol) —I’m going to offer two perspectives
#1 as a sketch or ‘completed’ idea—for inclusion in a collection of shorts. From reading comments any additionally placed backstory fragments are likely all going to be supportive. I’m on the fence with the 'gods-eyes view' mostly because that's where I’m trying to go in my own work and it's hit or miss. And I cannot decide if that's a plus or a detractor in this case
#2 as a seed idea. I’d drop everything else and turn this into a treatment. why? because you named it yourself with the Dexter reference but it’s potentially much more than that. You're working in a sub-genre that doesn't have ALL that many entries and even the least of which are a cut above the average shlock, So yes, Dexter, Six Feet Under, You, The End of the Fucking World, and in a way Santa Clara Diet, Hannibal and even some weird Thelma and Louise hints is the territory that you’re building upon. It’s got lot legs––unfulfilled mutual desire—that if ever fulfilled leads to certain doom. Audiences love that shit because it’s passive personal empowerment. And at an ALL time high of wtf as a general silent subconscious––something like this could really grab hold, especially with the strength and interplay of back story between absurdity and real emotional content. Start counting the Emmys
Ha! I appreciate the props! I was on the fence between it being in a collection of shorts (which it currently is) and giving it both barrels to blow it out. With all the feedback I’ve received, I’m going to try for both. The collection is already through first draft (a description/rationale for another comment), but I’m going to pursue Andrew and Jamie’s larger ongoing story on its own. I need to do some digging into what a treatment would need. Thanks!
Now I see some clues: Jamie wanting a dark bar and not to be seen, her curiosity about bodies. Then the confirmation:
"Even so, one thought rang in her head clear as a bell. Fuck, I can’t kill him."
This seems a mite too on the nose. Are you sure you want to give away the secret before the reader (me) has caught on? I'm also a little troubled by the constant shift between Andrew's POV and Jamie's. It allows you to explain their motivations too much and suppresses the mystery of "why" each is doing anything. Because the scene is more about revealing Jamie as a killer, how about staying in either his POV or hers? Also, is there some way Jamie can demonstrate "impossible" knowledge that suggests she's a killer?
For example, she could ask very specific questions about a murder victim that Andrew has seen. The coincidence of her knowing the deets about a recent killing would raise red flags for the reader and Andrew. Possible??
I like the idea of impossible knowledge. She could expose herself a couple of times in their conversation, which she’ll sidestep (medical device sales), but then reveal a bit too much about a recent killing. Maybe one that hit his morgue but not yet the papers.
And keeping it in Andrew’s POV will help pace the reveal.
Andrew could even recognize the signature from another case he heard about from a colleague at a conference and how he can’t believe he gets to see it firsthand (like the gushing she totally adores).
I'll be so quick since it looks like you have your hands full already! Favorite note was to autopsy the dad. Would love to see another draft with that. Agree strongest with deciding on a POV. The POV change up happens most toward the end but about halfway through, this part: "For her, cutting to the chase meant getting to the fun part of her true desire faster," threw me for a second. We'd been in Andrew's head until then so that quick shift slowed me down and made me double check. Keep going, this is great!
I love this story. I want to read more - i am hooked - and what a twist... she was going to kill him?? I do wonder if given his job, you could dot some autopsy terminology throughout, even describing non autopsy things to show his precision... for example: on the bit "affinity for plants, which hung in front of the window over his sink, lined the windowsills in the living and bedrooms, and, in the case of an immense Monstera, overstuffed a corner near his turntable and vinyl collection." have "affinity for plants, specimins hung from the window over his sink, an orderly row lined the windowsill... and the immense Monstera proliferated a corner near his turntable" and can you use body parts to describe Jamie, like does he notice her clavicle, or weird bones on her. I also want to know what happened with his parents! I loved it! Thank you for sharing. :) B x
Fantastic ideas! I do like the small touches that keep us connected to the…different…way he sees the world. And I’m planning on expanding on the family, for sure. Thanks for the note, Bernadette!
Hey Matt, I read your chapter several times because I really like your flowing style. You have clarity and confidence, a good sense of pace and a thing with dialogue. Big owned authority with the job back story and technical details. If it's research it's an impressive work, if it's personal experience it's delivered with grace. Elegant insertion of the family stuff also but you got me on board with the Coltrane sentence. And loved the tumor fist pressed on the redhead.
The cool detachment of Andrew, how nothing seems alarming to him offers a good premise embarking with volcanic Jamie. She seems a solid match of an adversary/lover.
As maybe my only suggestion i'd wait till the next chapter to know about her intentions if it's a novel.
This is an interesting project. Your prose, scene construction, and storyline all compel me forward. In that regard, I read it without breaking stride, completely taken by your craft.
The main character is highly accessible, allowing for a quick connection. That may say as much about your writing as it does about my dating life, but let’s assume it’s mostly you.
How does she kill people?
If I had one recommendation, I’d try to weave that knowledge into her line of questioning. Something a regular person wouldn't know about stab wounds, gunshots, or poisoning. If I killed people and had such a resource available, I'd want to know certain things that might be of benefit.
Sorry I'm late to the show, but I'm catching back up on things. Love the on the body detail with this story - it's gross and wonderful and crucially is enough to make the reader feel like an expert, which means the detail is pitched well. This may be repeating over comments, however, but the intro to our narrator's life (though interesting) may create more power if it's weaved into the here and now. A cadaver that reminds him of his father's hairline, the jowls of his mother etc etc. The date night I found was telegraphing a bit too much about the girl's secret fascination with death, though we could be less directed to it if there was more dropped in the moment about our narrator feeling isolated or 'weird and different '. We might see her interest as a relief rather than sinister. Just my thoughts after reading and digesting. Very much enjoyed it and I'm curious to see how the layers may build with this. It made me think of Sweeney Todd, the barber and the piemaker working together to meet their own nefarious aims.
Hey, Katy. You’re not late at all. I appreciate the feedback. You’re spot on with where I’m headed and I like the cadaver detail thinking. I’m excited to dig back into the story. (The puns write themselves 🤦🏼♂️)
Comment #2 --
How do you feel about surgery? As it stands this piece strikes me as two separate ones: The first all background and summary, the second is an actual scene. I'm proposing a way to integrate them.
First off, we're looking at a man (Andrew) who wants to find love. He's somewhat nurturing -- the plants -- but rather hands-off because he relies on technology to search for another person. He has enormous authority around the "Post" material, yet his coldness still comes through because he never ponders the dead as people who were beloved and who lived lives. Here your horse of "coldness" emerges. I'd like to see you hit that horse/theme as many ways as possible. He likes his food cold: gazpacho, chilled wine, etc..
Now the surgery... How about opening with the date (Jamie) asking, "What was your favorite 'post'?" She cringes and rephrases (so we get a beat of her appearance and physicality) restating her question, "Maybe your most interesting..."
At that our guy launches into a jargon-heavy account of dissecting an older man... This account is intercut with his personal history, his career path, his family. And gradually the reader realizes (you must not make this connection overt, let the reader grasp it) that the autopsy is him alone cutting up his own dead father. Examining the brain, the heart, the lungs. The genitals.
Perhaps with subtle physical tells, the date also realizes the man is describing butchering his own father in search of... something. Love? A soul? Humanity?
This intercutting would allow you to unpack the man's search for love, and it would integrate the two dissimilar halves of the story. Again, this is just a suggestion to break the ice. You could still use the current ending; in fact, you could use most of what you already have on the page.
So far your "horses" would be 'cold' and 'the search for love.' In sorting through his father's innards, he'd also be recognizing aspects of himself, including the facial features. All these elements are already present in the story -- good job! -- so all you'd need do is rearrange a bit.
I’m scrubbed in!
This is killer feedback and a great way to bring Andrew to a more well-rounded place as a character. Using the autopsy to frame Andrew’s cold search for love and, in his case, the futility of finding it, is electric. It also gives me ideas for a solid direction for Jamie to head as well, since she’s the one who ties back in later. She, too, is cold, until she meets Andrew.
Looking at Andrew in this way — complicating and completing him — is exactly the lens I needed for a few other characters and storylines. This surgery is what I was trying to accomplish, but not as thoroughly as you’ve discussed. Stoked!
BTW — I used to be the Andrew - well, in his morgue position - decades ago.
Do you work a different job in the med field, now?
After the morgue gig I went the writing direction. Worked in advertising for 20+ years. Now I’m chief of wastewater operations for two plants. Crooked path. I wrote a story about a guy at a WW plant who finds hundred dollar bills flushed every day for three weeks. Goes to jail for passing counterfeit notes.
What if he eats the heart to fill himself with the love or soul he doesn’t and never had? Idk if that’ll help the story.
Unlucky in love and a great cook.
Hi Matt,
Great story! I'm going to try to drop in later with more thoughts, but one thing stuck out to me immediately -- the part where Jamie says, "I have to pee. Get me a beer" then goes off to the bathroom. There is absolutely no way a savvy character like her is going to leave a man she's never met alone with her drink.
Ok, one more thing. "Dark passenger" is very specific to Dexter. Is there another phrase she can use that's unique to her? (For what it's worth, I did get that she's a killer, and I would love to see more about how she would navigate actually having feelings for a man she had intended to murder. There's so much potential in that!)
GREAT points! Dexter hadn’t dawned on me (I know recovering addicts who’ve used it as well) — and I should’ve flagged the bathroom/drink combo (pun not intended, but it just appeared). Their interaction is getting some edit-attention, so this is perfect feedback. Looking forward to more later.
Thank you!
Excellent! Glad it was helpful.
Comment #5 --
Tread lightly here:
"Likewise, there are parallels with Jamie that need to be revealed. She had a single mother who loved her and was there for her, but she ended up almost completely incapable of emotion that would allow her to feel loved — until Andrew."
Even backstory must be full of action and just as compelling as story in the present. For example, in 'Fight Club' I chose to tell the liposuction fat story in retrospection. The context for telling it was two characters trying to fall asleep in empty cars on a used-car lot. As they drift toward sleep, one character recounts a clumsy scene full of slippery fat and gagging rage. I've found that the best times for a flashback are either while a character is driving, or while trying to fall asleep.
Both those dull, introspective situations are good for flashback/back-story, but even that back-story should be dramatized and active -- not summarized or reduced to general statements.
If you can't get a great scene out of back-story, consider skipping it and simply have the character act out of that past experience.
Does Jamie being a killer come across with the descriptions of the men and her realization that she can’t kill Andrew? It hasn’t come up, so I’m trying to determine if it hit.
I held off on adding detail about how she killed them to keep that realization a surprise. Maybe that’s part of the action with her backstory.
If it didn’t, I need to spend time there.
Consider having Jamie really drill down on specific questions that only a killer would know... especially about a recent victim that Andrew knows of. That would create a third "invisible" character at he table: the recently murdered man.
Such a discussion could even suggest that Jamie is fishing for compliments about her skill as a murderer.
Yes!
She's a sexy, skilled killer with a talent that never gets praised. Wouldn't it be funny/sexy to have Andrew gush:
"Whoever cut his (obscure vein/nerve) knew what they were doing. A real artist. Brilliant..." Have him really gush admiration as Jamie openly preens.
Smart readers would recognize that she's basking in such praise. And really really smart readers will wonder if she Tinder-fished him due to his job because he would somehow appreciate her artistry.
"Yeah, whoever killed this guy must be a genius at anatomy..." Jamie is almost orgasmic hearing this recounting. For her it would be like getting an excellent job performance review.
Understood. Jamie is already acting out of past experience, so I can enhance that.
These House Call comments are high gear learning. Unbelievable fast tracks for good craft. You rock y'all. Thanks Chuck for creating and tending such a quality space.
I’m in full agreement. The folks that have weighed in and the initial work with Chuck are priceless. I’ve learned more about the craft of fiction and have more solid ideas for my stories than I thought possible.
I feel like I just read a few stories and that is a good thing. You take us to different locations both mentally and physically. I liked the transition to eight years later. The opening line of the transition hit. I felt awkwardness for the guy, but I don’t think the character would share in my opinion. He was confident and probably funnier in person than in the story. I loved this piece. Excellent story and execution.
Thank you, Rick! I like that he embodied some awkwardness. I think that’s going to be part of him no matter how confident he is.
It makes him easier to relate to. I liked him from go, but was drawn more and more to him as the story unfolded. You are one helluva good writer.
Hey there, Matt, first, as always with these things, thank you for being open to all of us reading and dissecting your story. It’s never easy seeing where we could have done better in something we worked so hard on. But it is the way to grow and great stories, which I believe you have!
As for my feedback, take what works for you, and leave the rest on the cutting room floor. These are only my thoughts and opinions based on my likes and preferences.
Let the games begin!
1—The good ol’ start later in your story:
Where I felt the story started: “Andrew had worked in the same hospital in Buffalo since he left his job as a Verizon sales associate at the local mall just out of college.”
Consider starting here, then coming back to some of the romance/online dating bits.
2—Show and tell:
We start with predominantly exposition. Is there a way we can get grounded in the source of the action? Can you plop us down in one of these moments, like when the narrator alludes to Andrew’s father’s anger and drinking? Can you keep the conversational aspect of the voice while hopping in and out of past or present moments to SHOW us these things, these emotional tolls Andrew is feeling? As a reader, I wanted to be in those moments a little more, rather than just be told they were bad or scary.
3—Sign markers/horses/throughline:
As it stands right now, I feel adrift through much of the story. Each part was interesting to a degree, but I felt no connection from one VERY different section to the next. There was nothing that pointed me through the story. Yes, by the end, we get a payoff, but I felt it wasn’t as strong as it could have been if you had planted more visceral crumbs for us along the way.
Could you find a “horses” as Chuck P./Tom S. Call it? Is there a common thread you can use as a heartbeat to keep us feeling that these mini, encapsulated moments are connected before we get to the end?
You want something that points the reader, says, “I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but trust me, I know what I’m doing, and it pays off!”
4—Space and time:
When it comes to big-time jumps, days, months, years, I find it’s best to give the reader a bit of visual space on the page. Allow us to feel that time somewhat visually. You can even use a marker. You do this at the very end to signify the end part, but I believe it would work best throughout the piece.
5—The heart of the story:
Where I saw the connective tissue, the heart of the story was in the bit about Andrew telling a date about the tumor.
I think the center of the story comes around being afraid, maybe? Andrew, afraid of his father, afraid for his mother, afraid of romantic situations, afraid of being seen (of course, being afraid of being found out he's a killer), maybe we could pinpoint that the bodies and what most people find to be a horrific job is not frightening to him. That maybe it’s one of the only places/times in his life where everything feels clear, uncomplicated. Controllable.
I think this or something like it could be your horses. How can you find a tagline, a transitional device to point to Andrew’s control?
Also, I would propose making the story into maybe three smaller scenes. Maybe one at the dinner date. One autopsying the bodies, and again with his parents. Or a dating scene, a family scene, and the final dating scene/finale reveal.
I find that for me, if I can limit my short stories to as few scene/place changes as possible, it makes for a stronger story. So, maybe instead of scrolling on a dating app in the opening scene, could we see Andrew in the same bar as in the end for a speed dating night? Could you ground a scene with the family before Andrew’s father dies in the middle section of the bar as well? This would be a great place to SHOW the fathers drinking, rather than just alluding to it through exposition. This also makes the bar its own recurring character in the story and grounds us more in place, along with giving you a horses again if you choose to have some type of signifier for the bar transitions.
6—Where to start/playing with time:
Often, for me, where I think I want to start something is not where I SHOULD start. Personally, for me, I thought much of the parents’ stuff worked better after the father was dead and the mother was happy and in Key West.
Remember, we can go in any direction with time in a story! Often, people’s minds process time less linearly than we live it. So how could you chop and screw with time and present events that you’ve written not in how they happen linearly, but in how they conjoin, butt up to one another, showing the similarities or random connections in Andrew’s life.
7—A Mary Sue:
Often, when we are writing about someone or something that is loosely based on our lived experience/ourselves, we can have the tendency to pull our punches or, rather, not go far enough.
If I had to guess, that is the case with this story. I often felt, while reading it, that you never pushed Andrew into uncomfortable territory, even though it often felt to me that that was where the story wanted to go. And the same goes for the musings about the family. We are left feeling like the narrator, who is outside of Andrew's head and has no connection to him or the family, is still somehow tied to his guilt around not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, in our real world, and so I felt as though you played your cards a bit too close to your chest often in this story. Especially in the first half.
How could you instead divest yourself from Andrew and his family a bit more—maybe fictionalize it a bit further—and go deeper. Dive into the uncomfortable, make Andrew an unlikable protagonist, maybe, or his father, or hell, maybe even his mother, a total monster? I think this would elevate much of the story and the stakes.
8—Duality:
So, the change-up of the multiple POV in the second half of the story threw me. I wasn’t sure whose head I was in from moment to moment at times. I got lost. Some of that is good because it shows me, “Oh, both these people are the same, killers,” but most of the time, I was lost and wished Jamie had been introduced along the way, or that we had followed her story simultaneously with Andrews. Could you either bring in Jamie’s POV at the beginning and make it a mirrored story, with breaks almost paragraph-to-paragraph, each of their lives mirroring the other in different ways? Or could you have the whole story rooted from Andrew’s perspective? You can still do the third-person perspective, but just keep it tied to Andrew’s perspective–how he feels and sees Jamie. How HE figures out her motives.
9—Recent popular culture:
Ok, last bit, and I swear I’m done. This part is never easy to say, but I think the ending, most of the last part of the story, is maybe a little too close to an episode of DEXTER. Especially considering you used the whole “Dark Passenger” line. I think if you take that line out, it helps take it out of that realm. Easy fix. Just remember, we all glean ideas from a multitude of sources, but the key is to make sure we do our own thing with them. That line is so tied to that book series and a VERY popular TV series. I would for sure take that out.
I appreciate the thoughtful feedback, Levi! I’m in the same camp on most everything you’ve outlined after digesting the tsunami from all the good folks who weighed in. I’m stoked to perform some “surgery,” as Chuck put it, and readjust how everything plays out and moves in time. Same with showing more of each event. The dark passenger was a total unintended lapse with regard to Dexter. That’s definitely going away.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate you!
Sounds good, Matt! Sorry for any overlap. I find it best for me not to read what others have said while writing my feedback. So yeah, I imagine there’s a little overlap.
You’ve got all the meat and potatoes sitting in front of you—and it looks great—but I want a big fancy dinner now. Wow us! You are indeed capable of it.
Also, I suggested this book series to Tony before( the last house call). But if you haven’t read Richard Stark (Donald Westlake’s) Parker series (start with The Hunter), I highly recommend it! He does an excellent job with a close third-person POV. Everything is off the back of Parker. Stark really shows us how to do that close third with the expertise of a brain surgeon!
I dig recommendations like this. I just plowed through a pile that included Knockemstiff, Great Kitchens of the Midwest, Horse Show, Airships, and Rock Creek.
I appreciate the shout!
Love the twist to finish the chapter and this set up.
Two thoughts - I don't think I saw these in the others: Head hopping. I get why you did it in this scene. Is it something you'll be working for the rest of the book? Does it matter? It sets up a banter between the characters that looks like it'll disappear for at least a while. Will we miss it?
The second is why go easy on the dad? Why go out of the way making it clear he wasn't physical. Does it come into play later? He is dead. And he still tortured them. No need to protect him from where I sit.
I hope you get lots of useful stuff out of Chuck's eye falling upon you!
Both great questions and insights. I actually move away from the head hopping in stories/chapters after this one. I think it was a matter of the stories tightening up the more of them I wrote. I’m going to look at revising this one to a single POV. And yes, take a more unflinching look at the dad 🤘🏻
Totally get it! Shaping things up on the edit is great fun. Just throwing out quick observations- trust your gut and keep on keepin on 🤘🏼
Ok, he works in Buffalo, which automatically gets a +1 from me. But that’s secondary.
This is an intriguing start. The biggest win is how you drop breadcrumbs about who Jamie is, but the reader doesn’t understand them until the “Fuck, I can’t kill him” line. At that moment, the prior clues come into focus - why she needed a place “off the beaten path,” her comment about head/heart/lungs (“taking out any of those is ultimately what does it”), the probing questions “to see if Andrew felt the same things she did.” The story shifts in that moment to something very different.
Job well done using physical actions to show how Jamie lures Andrew in - close talking, hip pressing against him, the wink, the smiles, placing her hands on his knees. It’s disarming, especially when combined with the dialogue. I have a crush on her too.
Suggestion-wise, I’d love to see more grisly details - the guy does autopsies, after all. Perhaps he’s recounting this first meeting with Jamie while elbow-deep in a gunshot victim. Telling the story directly to the pile of viscera on the table in front of him as he removes ropes of shattered intestines and useless kidneys. The first act is heavy on telling rather than showing, so you could balance that by diving into the most literal type of “on the body” description possible. Show us what he does.
Yes! I really dig the “recounting” while he’s in a grisly procedure.
And Buffalo +1 is outstanding 🤘🏻
Thanks, Bryan!
You could go a hundred different directions with all the feedback, but the story is such a good concept you pretty much can’t go wrong. I just saw Chuck’s idea to have Andrew conducting an autopsy on what is later revealed to be his father, and that’s (of course) brilliant. Excited to see how this all shakes out for you.
Yea, it's a bit of an embarrassment of riches ;) Very happy it wasn't crickets.
Ok, taking a step into traffic (which wont be my first lol) —I’m going to offer two perspectives
#1 as a sketch or ‘completed’ idea—for inclusion in a collection of shorts. From reading comments any additionally placed backstory fragments are likely all going to be supportive. I’m on the fence with the 'gods-eyes view' mostly because that's where I’m trying to go in my own work and it's hit or miss. And I cannot decide if that's a plus or a detractor in this case
#2 as a seed idea. I’d drop everything else and turn this into a treatment. why? because you named it yourself with the Dexter reference but it’s potentially much more than that. You're working in a sub-genre that doesn't have ALL that many entries and even the least of which are a cut above the average shlock, So yes, Dexter, Six Feet Under, You, The End of the Fucking World, and in a way Santa Clara Diet, Hannibal and even some weird Thelma and Louise hints is the territory that you’re building upon. It’s got lot legs––unfulfilled mutual desire—that if ever fulfilled leads to certain doom. Audiences love that shit because it’s passive personal empowerment. And at an ALL time high of wtf as a general silent subconscious––something like this could really grab hold, especially with the strength and interplay of back story between absurdity and real emotional content. Start counting the Emmys
Ha! I appreciate the props! I was on the fence between it being in a collection of shorts (which it currently is) and giving it both barrels to blow it out. With all the feedback I’ve received, I’m going to try for both. The collection is already through first draft (a description/rationale for another comment), but I’m going to pursue Andrew and Jamie’s larger ongoing story on its own. I need to do some digging into what a treatment would need. Thanks!
of course both!
Comment #7 --
Now I see some clues: Jamie wanting a dark bar and not to be seen, her curiosity about bodies. Then the confirmation:
"Even so, one thought rang in her head clear as a bell. Fuck, I can’t kill him."
This seems a mite too on the nose. Are you sure you want to give away the secret before the reader (me) has caught on? I'm also a little troubled by the constant shift between Andrew's POV and Jamie's. It allows you to explain their motivations too much and suppresses the mystery of "why" each is doing anything. Because the scene is more about revealing Jamie as a killer, how about staying in either his POV or hers? Also, is there some way Jamie can demonstrate "impossible" knowledge that suggests she's a killer?
For example, she could ask very specific questions about a murder victim that Andrew has seen. The coincidence of her knowing the deets about a recent killing would raise red flags for the reader and Andrew. Possible??
I like the idea of impossible knowledge. She could expose herself a couple of times in their conversation, which she’ll sidestep (medical device sales), but then reveal a bit too much about a recent killing. Maybe one that hit his morgue but not yet the papers.
And keeping it in Andrew’s POV will help pace the reveal.
And introduce objects such as a phone full of pictures.
Andrew could even recognize the signature from another case he heard about from a colleague at a conference and how he can’t believe he gets to see it firsthand (like the gushing she totally adores).
What a story! How did you come up with this?
Like a Hallmark rom-com movie, but with corpses and guts.
My father in law used to say that there is someone out there for everyone.
I actually used to perform autopsies when I was undergrad for biochem and forensics 🤘🏻😉
I'll be so quick since it looks like you have your hands full already! Favorite note was to autopsy the dad. Would love to see another draft with that. Agree strongest with deciding on a POV. The POV change up happens most toward the end but about halfway through, this part: "For her, cutting to the chase meant getting to the fun part of her true desire faster," threw me for a second. We'd been in Andrew's head until then so that quick shift slowed me down and made me double check. Keep going, this is great!
Thank you, Justine! I appreciate you taking the time to read and drop me some feedback. Hands full…I see what you did there 😉
I think you said it somewhere in another comment, the puns write themselves!
I love this story. I want to read more - i am hooked - and what a twist... she was going to kill him?? I do wonder if given his job, you could dot some autopsy terminology throughout, even describing non autopsy things to show his precision... for example: on the bit "affinity for plants, which hung in front of the window over his sink, lined the windowsills in the living and bedrooms, and, in the case of an immense Monstera, overstuffed a corner near his turntable and vinyl collection." have "affinity for plants, specimins hung from the window over his sink, an orderly row lined the windowsill... and the immense Monstera proliferated a corner near his turntable" and can you use body parts to describe Jamie, like does he notice her clavicle, or weird bones on her. I also want to know what happened with his parents! I loved it! Thank you for sharing. :) B x
Fantastic ideas! I do like the small touches that keep us connected to the…different…way he sees the world. And I’m planning on expanding on the family, for sure. Thanks for the note, Bernadette!
I really enjoyed it. Hes a brilliant character, and she gives me the fear!!!!!
Hey Matt, I read your chapter several times because I really like your flowing style. You have clarity and confidence, a good sense of pace and a thing with dialogue. Big owned authority with the job back story and technical details. If it's research it's an impressive work, if it's personal experience it's delivered with grace. Elegant insertion of the family stuff also but you got me on board with the Coltrane sentence. And loved the tumor fist pressed on the redhead.
The cool detachment of Andrew, how nothing seems alarming to him offers a good premise embarking with volcanic Jamie. She seems a solid match of an adversary/lover.
As maybe my only suggestion i'd wait till the next chapter to know about her intentions if it's a novel.
Good work.
Thank you, Sam! I’ve got some revisions/additions/complications to add, but I’m glad I’m on the right track. I appreciate the feedback!
Going cold without reading other comments.
This is an interesting project. Your prose, scene construction, and storyline all compel me forward. In that regard, I read it without breaking stride, completely taken by your craft.
The main character is highly accessible, allowing for a quick connection. That may say as much about your writing as it does about my dating life, but let’s assume it’s mostly you.
How does she kill people?
If I had one recommendation, I’d try to weave that knowledge into her line of questioning. Something a regular person wouldn't know about stab wounds, gunshots, or poisoning. If I killed people and had such a resource available, I'd want to know certain things that might be of benefit.
Thanks for sharing!
-Jeffrey
Like she’s pumping him for information to use in the future. I dig it. I appreciate the feedback!
Sorry I'm late to the show, but I'm catching back up on things. Love the on the body detail with this story - it's gross and wonderful and crucially is enough to make the reader feel like an expert, which means the detail is pitched well. This may be repeating over comments, however, but the intro to our narrator's life (though interesting) may create more power if it's weaved into the here and now. A cadaver that reminds him of his father's hairline, the jowls of his mother etc etc. The date night I found was telegraphing a bit too much about the girl's secret fascination with death, though we could be less directed to it if there was more dropped in the moment about our narrator feeling isolated or 'weird and different '. We might see her interest as a relief rather than sinister. Just my thoughts after reading and digesting. Very much enjoyed it and I'm curious to see how the layers may build with this. It made me think of Sweeney Todd, the barber and the piemaker working together to meet their own nefarious aims.
Hey, Katy. You’re not late at all. I appreciate the feedback. You’re spot on with where I’m headed and I like the cadaver detail thinking. I’m excited to dig back into the story. (The puns write themselves 🤦🏼♂️)