It's a hell of a thing to face that. The 12 step meetings, the Drs, and the books only scratched the surface of what I needed to work on to get to where I am today.
Also here from WITD, thanks for choosing to share in the chat so many of us could read what you shared here.
I used to be a therapist and during a workshop someone gave me the best analogy I could understand for depression. It explained like you did, how using guilt is so ineffective and detrimental. On Monday I, as synchronicity goes, I was writing about getting punched in the face as a kid by a classmate who has since died, and then also some other stories I want to share about a person who died by suicide. I was contemplating how to define myself in my writing in relationship to the latter. I think about an actively depressed person coming across my writing and it feels like so much of the language we have around depression and suicidality is inherently shaming. What you've shared here will certainly support me in continuing to explore that language, since nothing feels like a comfortable fit yet. I feel grateful that your piece will continue to help others on the outside of depression better understand what is often so incomprehensible, as I can see is already happening in the comments.
Thanks for the courage to write this and share the nitty gritty of life with depression, of recovery. Thank you for hanging in and for helping so many, see into and understand more...
Hi Matt, I came across you and this essay and your Substack from the note you left in the WITD chat thread. This is so incredibly powerful, raw and affecting writing. You made me understand depression in a way I never have before. I have not suffered this kind of depression but know many friends and loved ones who have and now I can be a better and more understanding friend to them when they are in the depths of it, so thank you. Thank you for finding the words to describe what it's like, in such a visceral and moving way. I wish you continued strength and love on your journey.
Thank you, Amy. A better understanding of what people are going through is an important part of the healing process. It’s been immensely helpful in identifying the signs and triggers earlier and cutting them off at the pass. I appreciate your note!
Wow. This was an incredible, visceral ride into the abyss that is Depression, & addiction recovery. Thank you for so generously sharing your story.
Your voice exudes such power & assurance. Beyond your skillful writing, I suspect your story will offer hope to potential readers.
I know the devastation that these diseases are intimately.
My son, now 33, suffered from severe Major Depression from the age of 11.
It was so bad we had to hospitalize him to keep him safe many times over. I became depressed & remain on meds to this day. While life’s circumstances can spur it on, I know that it’s a part of my genetic makeup, & I am still very vulnerable to lows; know this anger that you speak of, too.
In my case, some of it, a lot of it perhaps, is grief; but resentment too. (I am in therapy & do All the things to be in the best space).
My son went on to become addicted to opiates for a decade. It was the most horrific, harrowing time of our lives. He is sober now for @6yrs; married, has a great job. After nearly losing him 6 times over, over two dozen rehabs and more, there simply is no word for what it feels like to see him laugh, play golf with his siblings, dance with his wife, play poker with my Dad, stop by for lunch, take trips with us, smile.
Still, while we have a close, open relationship, I’m sure he fights demons every minute of every day, as you say- they are diseases, & abstinence doesn’t take that away. Thank you again for sharing your story. You’ve reminded me how grateful I am and how far we’ve come.
I am humbled by and grateful for your story, Colleen. I appreciate you sharing and so happy your son is healthy and you’re able to enjoy all those small, happy moments with him. ❤️
Thanks for writing AND sharing that…it’s beautifully written and incredibly powerful.
I’m glad you’re still on this side of the grass and grateful you’re experiencing progress in your journey. I’m grateful to be sober for a few 24s and I’ve dealt with a little bit of the darkness in that time - but not to the degree or extent you’ve experienced. Sharing your experience is powerful, in that it may help someone else. Thanks for doing that!
Holy shit, that was powerful, Matt. Thank you for sharing -- echoing Forest, this put so starkly what it feels like for someone who's not been in those depths. I'm thankful to have read it and sending much love.
Jesus, that was harrowing, Matt. I had no idea. (I’d guess I’m not alone.) it seems you’ve come out the other side. Congratulations for that. Stay healthy.
I’m just beginning this journey with my youngest now. Thank you for helping me understand what it looks like from the other side.
And thank you for putting in the work every day. This world would have a lot less shine without you in it.
Thank you for the kind words, Naomi. And wishing you lots of patience and love with your son.
It's a hell of a thing to face that. The 12 step meetings, the Drs, and the books only scratched the surface of what I needed to work on to get to where I am today.
Thanks for sharing this.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Cameron. Here to the good work ahead.
Also here from WITD, thanks for choosing to share in the chat so many of us could read what you shared here.
I used to be a therapist and during a workshop someone gave me the best analogy I could understand for depression. It explained like you did, how using guilt is so ineffective and detrimental. On Monday I, as synchronicity goes, I was writing about getting punched in the face as a kid by a classmate who has since died, and then also some other stories I want to share about a person who died by suicide. I was contemplating how to define myself in my writing in relationship to the latter. I think about an actively depressed person coming across my writing and it feels like so much of the language we have around depression and suicidality is inherently shaming. What you've shared here will certainly support me in continuing to explore that language, since nothing feels like a comfortable fit yet. I feel grateful that your piece will continue to help others on the outside of depression better understand what is often so incomprehensible, as I can see is already happening in the comments.
Thank you so much for the note, Cassidy. It is such a hard thing to define for others, but not impossible with more conversation and listening.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
conversation, listening, and writing like yours!
🙂
Thank you for this insight into the perpetual emotional suspension my friend must experience every waking hour.
I wish your friend some peace and healing, Kim.
Thanks for the courage to write this and share the nitty gritty of life with depression, of recovery. Thank you for hanging in and for helping so many, see into and understand more...
I appreciate your note, Ellen. And the encouragement.
Hi Matt, I came across you and this essay and your Substack from the note you left in the WITD chat thread. This is so incredibly powerful, raw and affecting writing. You made me understand depression in a way I never have before. I have not suffered this kind of depression but know many friends and loved ones who have and now I can be a better and more understanding friend to them when they are in the depths of it, so thank you. Thank you for finding the words to describe what it's like, in such a visceral and moving way. I wish you continued strength and love on your journey.
Thank you, Amy. A better understanding of what people are going through is an important part of the healing process. It’s been immensely helpful in identifying the signs and triggers earlier and cutting them off at the pass. I appreciate your note!
Stand tall and thank you? So raw. Gave me insights into someone in my life who has been struggling.
Wow. This was an incredible, visceral ride into the abyss that is Depression, & addiction recovery. Thank you for so generously sharing your story.
Your voice exudes such power & assurance. Beyond your skillful writing, I suspect your story will offer hope to potential readers.
I know the devastation that these diseases are intimately.
My son, now 33, suffered from severe Major Depression from the age of 11.
It was so bad we had to hospitalize him to keep him safe many times over. I became depressed & remain on meds to this day. While life’s circumstances can spur it on, I know that it’s a part of my genetic makeup, & I am still very vulnerable to lows; know this anger that you speak of, too.
In my case, some of it, a lot of it perhaps, is grief; but resentment too. (I am in therapy & do All the things to be in the best space).
My son went on to become addicted to opiates for a decade. It was the most horrific, harrowing time of our lives. He is sober now for @6yrs; married, has a great job. After nearly losing him 6 times over, over two dozen rehabs and more, there simply is no word for what it feels like to see him laugh, play golf with his siblings, dance with his wife, play poker with my Dad, stop by for lunch, take trips with us, smile.
Still, while we have a close, open relationship, I’m sure he fights demons every minute of every day, as you say- they are diseases, & abstinence doesn’t take that away. Thank you again for sharing your story. You’ve reminded me how grateful I am and how far we’ve come.
I am humbled by and grateful for your story, Colleen. I appreciate you sharing and so happy your son is healthy and you’re able to enjoy all those small, happy moments with him. ❤️
Thank you💕
Joni sings, “I’m frightened by the devil but I’m drawn to those ones who ain’t afraid.”
It’s so tough to reckon with the demon. I understand that and thank her for spelling it out. I don’t think the struggle ever ends.
And that’s where Art is born. And your art is game changing. Keep going.
Thanks for writing AND sharing that…it’s beautifully written and incredibly powerful.
I’m glad you’re still on this side of the grass and grateful you’re experiencing progress in your journey. I’m grateful to be sober for a few 24s and I’ve dealt with a little bit of the darkness in that time - but not to the degree or extent you’ve experienced. Sharing your experience is powerful, in that it may help someone else. Thanks for doing that!
One day at a time.
Thank you, Scott!
Holy shit, that was powerful, Matt. Thank you for sharing -- echoing Forest, this put so starkly what it feels like for someone who's not been in those depths. I'm thankful to have read it and sending much love.
Thanks, Lou!
Jesus, that was harrowing, Matt. I had no idea. (I’d guess I’m not alone.) it seems you’ve come out the other side. Congratulations for that. Stay healthy.
❤️